Self-Imposed Responsibilities In Relationships
Gender socialization can play a large role in what responsibilities we take on in our romantic relationships. Sometimes couples align well in what they expect themselves and their partner to take on in the relationship. Other times, there tends to be some conflict about who’s job it is to do what.
Women are often raised to be attuned to the emotions of others and provide care and comfort. They are also expected to be the manager of tasks and duties, particularly ones related to domestic labor. In a romantic relationship, this can look like:
Trying to regulate your partner’s emotions for them (example: using a gentle tone, encouraging them to cope)
Keeping up with daily tasks that pertain to the family or relationship (example: knowing what goes on the grocery list, and what brands to buy)
Controlling or managing how other people perform tasks (example: managing how the dishwasher is loaded or reminding someone to vacuum)
Being mindful of other’s happiness (example: being in charge of buying the gifts for their in-law’s birthday)
Initiating, planning, and executing plans (example: searching for, selecting, and booking airline and airbnb’s for your vacation)
Men, however, are tasked with manual or unfavorable labor, financially providing, or managing finances. Within the romantic relationship, this can look like:
Having to do chores that require a great deal of physical labor (example: painting the house, lawn care)
Performing daily duties that no one wants to do (example: taking out the trash or killing bugs)
Managing and contributing to finances (example: being the “bread winner”, paying bills)
Of course, these are examples and roles are not true for every person raised as a man or woman. The complexities of life usually shape the way we take on responsibilities in relationships. Not only this, because these are examples of gendered socialization, LGBTQ+ couples may have a different idea of what responsibilities are taken on in relationships. The caveat here is these are examples of societal messages, not necessarily a description of what every person experiences.
What I think is worth pointing out here, is the different themes in responsibilities: women are encouraged to take on emotional and mental labor, whereas men are encouraged to take on physical labor.
Conflict can emerge when couples are dissatisfied with what labors they and their partner are taking on. Someone is tired of being managed, and the other feels they have to manage their partner otherwise things don’t get done. One partner feels the difficulty of their task goes unnoticed, and the other is tired of giving praise when tasks are completed.
Which leads us to a damning question: Are these unequal divisions of labors self-imposed?
Maybe. Possibly. At some point, probably.
The answer to that question is complex, it’s a hefty combination of (1) you were taught to do these things (2) you might not know how else to show up (3) somewhere along the way, this was benefiting you
And now, if there’s conflict about these topics, this dynamic of labor has worn out it’s welcome. In couples counseling, your psychologist can help you and your partner explore what a more successful division of labors can look like. Taking into account your dreams for the relationship, your deepest needs for support in certain areas, and what strengths each partner can contribute can lead to a more sustainable relationship dynamic.
