Venting vs Solutions: A Guide for Men

Many of the men I work with feel frustrated with people in their lives who want to vent about problems, but take no action to change things. Their coworker who complains about the traffic but won’t leave their house earlier, their friend who feels tired all the time and stays awake until 2am, their partner who feels annoyed at their mom butting into their lives but won’t set a boundary.

I get it. The solutions seem so simple, so why don’t they take it?

If you are someone who struggles to tolerate people venting, I’d like to introduce to you the “righting reflex”. It’s essentially this internal pull to give others advice on how to solve problems, or fix things for someone else. A reflex, to make things right: righting reflex.

It’s not wrong to want to solve problems, or to prefer to address life’s challenged pragmatically. In some situations, that is an exceptionally helpful skill! But when you’re dealing with other people’s problems and emotions in a supportive role, well it might not be as helpful to you or them. For some people, venting is used as a way to learn more about themselves, build up internal motivation to make changes, and connect with their support system.

In relationships where you feel irritated at someone else’s venting, I’d suggest:

• Ask that person if they are looking for advice or want to vent when talking to you, and then give them the type of support they want. That way you don’t give advice that’s dismissed, resulting in less frustration & you strengthen your relationship with them

• Practice allowing people in your life to feel negative emotions, without you trying to change that for them. It’s a highly valuable skill to be able to accept other people’s distress, and simply be there with them through it.

At it’s core, practice of acceptance of how people approach their problems and acceptance of their emotions will fundamentally change your frustrations and your relationships. Now if someone keeps asking you for advice and then they don’t take it, that’s a problem for another post…