Avoiding Fights to Keep The Peace- The Hidden Costs to Your Relationship
Who wouldn’t want peace in their relationship? Fun memories, positive energy, things feel easy. There’s nothing wrong with wanting these qualities in a relationship; in fact, they make sense from an evolutionary perspective too. We’re social creatures, and reducing conflict in relationships helps us keep those social bonds. Avoiding conflict can be especially important to us because of our cultural background and/or surviving relational trauma. Keeping the peace can be a useful tool in some situations- and in other situations, it’s a relationship killer.
What does “keeping the peace” looks like in romantic relationships?
Some behaviors that might be linked to keeping the peace:
avoiding giving your real opinions on things, even when you’re asked to
deciding not to bring up things that bothered you or hurt your feelings
giving into your partners demands or suggestions because disagreeing would cause an argument
jumping to “letting it go” after an argument even though there was no resolution
asking your partner to bring up their emotions or thoughts less frequently to avoid an argument
If you’re overly focused on keeping the peace, you might think things like:
I wish I could be honest with my partner but I know it’ll hurt them
If I tell my partner my real feelings, they’ll get mad & it’s just not worth it
It’s easier to just agree with my partner than to tell them what I think
People don’t argue in happy relationships
If my partner could just be more positive, things would be so much easier
Keeping the peace might contribute to these feelings:
overwhelm during conflict with your partner
feeling as though you’re walking on eggshells to avoid conflict
shame whenever you and your partner argue
resentment toward your partner for bringing up painful emotions
Why does this show up in your relationship?
At some point, every person has tried to keep the peace in a relationship. We don’t always tell our boss when we disagree, or tell our best friend they’re making a mistake. Sometimes, keeping the peace is a great idea. Keeping the peace becomes a problem when it starts to negatively impact you and your relationship. This often happens when keeping the peace becomes the default instead of a thoughtful choice.
There’s usually multiple reasons for relationship patterns, typically one single event doesn’t explain why we do what we do in relationships. Some things that might cause a need to keep the peace is.
your parents or guardians never modeled how to have healthy conflict
being agreeable, likeable, or focused on others is a value in your household or culture
your home life was intense, with big blow up arguments or sweeping things under the rug
people pleasing was a necessary safety strategy due to oppression or discrimination
you were bullied or teased and being likeable or avoiding conflict kept you safe
you were made to be responsible for other people’s negative emotions
no one truly met your emotional needs as a child, so you stopped trying as an adult
with all that’s going on in your life you don’t currently have the emotional bandwidth to tolerate conflict, it’s just too damn much right now
The cost on your relationship
Whatever your reason for focusing on keeping the peace is, I’m sure it’s a good one. No one chooses to put that kind of pressure on themselves- it’s usually something that was necessary at one point. Maybe you’re someone who is now considering that all the effort you put into keeping the peace in your relationship is tiring you out? That at the end of the day, you may be fighting less but it certainly doesn’t feel peaceful. At best, you experience peace in the short term. At worst, you’re doing some serious damage to your relationship.
Short term damage:
if your partner was upset before, trying to avoid the conflict is only going to ramp it up!
each time you keep the peace to avoid conflict, you re-teach your brain that it’s something to avoid at all costs
you and your partner never learn to resolve conflict in a healthy way
Long term damage:
repeated and chronic self abandonment for only a moment of peace
resentment builds up between you and your partner, and toward yourself
reinforces beliefs that you will never get your needs met in relationships
lose sight of what you want in your relationship from too much focus on the conflict you want to avoid
Often, our strong and unwavering desire to keep the peace stirs up more conflict inside ourselves and our relationships- totally defeating the purpose of our efforts. Healing looks like being able to respond flexibly in your relationship, knowing the difference between when to keep the peace and when to rock the boat. If you’re wanting to find out for yourself where that line is, or want your relationship to be able to better withstand conflict, I encourage you to reach out to a professional to get feedback and guidance!
