When You Keep Having the Same Argument

You both were having a great day, and suddenly a small upset turned into a huge argument. Now, you’re taking space in the living room and your partner is in the bedroom with the door shut. Both of you are on your phones, trying to get away from the feelings of confusion, frustration, and sadness after having the same fight again. You may be thinking “I can’t do this anymore, I just can’t. Why can’t they change? Why can’t we change? Is it me, am I the problem?”

Many couples get stuck in this cycle of having the same arguments over and over. The reason this happens is because couples get stuck arguing what’s on the surface when there’s much deeper relationship processes happening here. Take for example a couple who keeps having arguments about household labor- someone is upset because they believe they do more around the house than the other. On the surface, it may be about who does the dishes more. But here’s what we see if we look deeper: The partner who feels they do more is feeling abandoned and unable to rely on their partner & the partner who is told they do too little is feeling unseen and inadequate despite their efforts.

The Present is Historical

When couples understand what the argument is really about, this can open up new understandings of themselves and the relationship. The relationship patterns that show up today, such as feeling abandoned or inadequate, have happened before. Looking back on the past, a couple may learn that the first time they felt abandoned or inadequate was during childhood. And now, each partner is reenacting those same childhood wounds in the hopes things will be different this time. The partner who feels abandoned is hoping their partner will see their needs and meet them, that their partner is a reliable source of support. The partner who feels inadequate is hoping their partner will recognize the efforts they’ve made and show that they are worthy of love without condition.

You may have your own example of an argument that keeps happening in your relationship. You may notice a certain theme or two to the arguments that are doing harm to your relationship. Seeking out couples counseling helps you to connect your past to your present, to get to the root of the problem & learn ways to resolve the tension.